Above the Clouds

My excursion to ATL -- April 26-29 -- coming soon

I need this fog lifted.

This past Monday the kids at the Center got to do a really dope writing exercise – a letter to our future children passing on whatever we want to pass on to them. So after snack time, Mrs. Mirlande (my fellow Haitian) and the rest of us got them to use their imagination because for some reason they were having a hard time grasping the concept of writing a letter to someone who does not exist. But after some coaxing and pulling some by the teeth, we got some really heart-felt letters out of them, especially the girls. They seemed to touch on the many things that girls and women have to go through, from abuse to drugs, as they addressed their future daughters. Which comes to the one I wrote, which was also to a future daughter, and here it is:

Dear Nia,

I am writing you this letter to say some things that I have always wanted to say to you. I didn’t give you your name by accident. Your mother was not adamant about giving you that name – she thought it was too cliché, because it is one of the seven principles of Kwanzaa.

From my understanding your name means “purpose” in Swahili, because you like all of us have a purpose – positive or negative. And I believe that your life is meant to find out what that is. I know that it will be hard because life is hard and I also know that being black, female in this world will make that journey even harder.
Unfortunately, on top of that many of the people that will place obstacles in your path will be men like me. I know that you will have to endure pain – both physical and emotional -- because of us, because I have seen what the women in my life have had to go through, including your mother.

So no matter what happens, I want you to push on, knowing that your mother and I love you. I hope you pass that love onto others, and try your best not to hate anyone, even the ones who “deserve” to be the object of it. Life is too short and fragile for your energy to go into letting hurt make you a bitter person.

Remember, you have a purpose, don’t live your life without knowing and searching for what it is. And I hope it is something to leads to helping others.
Love,

Your Pappy
RL

Last Friday-- The Wakes

After trekking in the rain to get 50 new blank CD-Rs and a new bottle of Mega Men vitamins from GNC, i headed back to Queens for the wakes. It was obvious to me that i would attend C's mother's wake, and check in on Brother Jules' wake afterwards (they were both held in the same funeral home, and both attended my childhood church).

It was as sad and somber as anything to do with death can be. A large amount of people showed up to support C’s mother’s family – mother, sister and brother that i know of. I sat in the back for much of the service, but ended up in the front towards the end. Her body looked nothing like her. Her face look deflated and a lot of makeup was added to it making her look less human. As I sat in my new place, her daughter was pulled from her wanderings, In and out of the chapel, onto the sofa next to me. She was drawing with a pencil on a pamphlet, which prompted me to give her my little notebook to draw on.

This is what she drew:


She looked very tired like she hardly slept most of last week. I wonder what was going on in her 7-year-old head.

two funerals -- same day

What joy i look at this little post at Okayplayer and this other one, and they are hard to look at because u will either get accused of being insensitive or u realize how many people do relate to grief and loss, or have thought of taking their own life at one time or another.

But my real point correlates with the grief and loss post. i doubt i will cry come Saturday at the two funerals i must attend. (K's mother's is at 9 am and Brother S (cancer) is at 10 am.) Maybe it's years of attending funerals of family and others who i had no real attachment or did not "know"; Or maybe, i have learned to desensitize myself to death. There have been times where i have been overwhelmed by the visual grief of family members at funeral, and i get a little teary-eyed.

i know the Christian Haitian folk will be tearing dramatically that day, and i will want to leave ASAP. I feel that i am not cold

On Monday after showing up at Baptiste's studio again in the morning, and once again finding him and his wife not back from vacation. i soaked up the abnormal hot weather and walked up Broadway eyeing the beauty around -- *wink, wink*.

Buon giorno. Io moro di sonno pero devo scrivere un dialogo di italiano per la lezione domani. Quello è tutto.

A domani.

Gone (2X)


It's always a bit interesting to see that bad things tend to happen in pairs or triplets. Another family friend passed away -- and older man who had been dealing with intestinal cancer. My father told me that he had lived his last days enjoying life because he knew he would pass soon. I hate funerals. i hate being around folks when they are mourning. However, it was "asked" that i go see the little girl and her family (grandma, uncle and aunt).

K is what i will call her. My mother said she went to se K and her family today. a bright and bubbly 7 year-old, K told my mom that her mother is in heaven and that everything that is her mother's is hers now. My mother even told me that she had already begun to wear her mother's glasses.

Gone

She's gone... not my Aunt for those who may be confused; but. yeah, her mother passed away last night.
As i got ready to make an exit this morning, my pops told me the news. from waht i know, it was something in her brain. She had been in a coma. i wish i had more details, but i will inquire tonite.

She had an interesting connection top my family. She did my mother's hair. her family and mine came up in the same church together.

Revisting
Almost two weeks ago i wrote this in an entry.

So far my aunt is doing much better and i plan on stopping by today to see her -- Haitian style (read: unannouced).
below is one of the few recent pictures i have taken in color that i adore



As for the little girl's mother, i was told by my Gram that she is in the hospital in a coma. But alas, my Grams is an exaggerator of mudane life events, so i will ask my mother when i feel up to it. i don't what i should be feeling or doing. i would wish to document her mother visually, but i don't know about capturing someone who may or may not be her tomorrow. But i feel that i want to do it as a remembrance of this dark period, whether the outcome is good or bad. But people feel very uncomfortable about documenting death unless it's a prominent person.

i hope that my funeral gets documented, just as my wedding or any other special occasion would be. birth, life, death are all intertwined so why ostracize that last phase? I think whatever happens i will try to keep a record of her daughter through photos.

Rich says that i never talk to him. SO, Ive decided to spill my grey matter for about 2 minutes on his blog. I feel special being that he felt that i was worthy enough to share his web space here. Do i sound corny? Probably so.

Anyway, i have mixed emotions about the night embarking upon me.
No warm K.O.M.(boyfriend) laying next to me so instead..i will get very lifted and rest.
Then maybe get dragged out to go see a movie.

I need models for my hats. Im admit, im not so much in a playful mood and my best friend and i have grown apart. Is it wrong if i have the desire to call her bad names?

-out-

CGI Scripts and Perl Fun

This past Sunday Strawberry Demon Child showed me the results of her latest endeavor on her website; forcing i to begin my attempts at "lovely" cgi/perl -- another widely used web language -- inspired guestbook that would be more functional than my free geocities version.

Sunday afternoon i inquired and downloaded the scripts. An hour later, i uploaded and could only get one script to show up. Frustrated, i stopped and vowed to work on it another day.

Last night after about two hours and a half, scripts began to make sense and were executed. The tentative final result was this.



Days of old

I get so lazy at times with writing, but i will attempt to recap things.
My aunt who had a heart attack is resting at home. Her two sisters rushed in from Florida last week like truly loving sisters. Those three siblings of my father have always been a unit and it's always amazing to see how close they stay to one another even though they all don't live in the same state any longer.

Having relatives like that should be enough to get me out of my funk, but it wasn't (i will eventually be out of it). I mean this weekend was spent trying to see the rest of the PS-1 exhibit and attend a party that Rich Medina was spinning in conjunction with the exhibit. All was cool though, bumped into some people i knew. And I did a lot of things last week as a result of having no volunteer work or apprenticeship to go to. Saw the three exhibits at the International Center of Photography and now i get to add another photographer to my list of inspirations -- W. Eugene Smith; Saw most of the PS-1 exhibit, which encompasses all three floors of this former public school; and finally saw the much talk-about Monster's Ball film. I cannot say i enjoyed the film, but it conveyed what i think Mr. Thorton was trying to put out. I don't think it was about a racist whit man's redemption like a lot of black folks seem to think it was about and get angry with. It was about to cold and distant people who find solace in each other, but not necessarily happiness.

Everyone seems to be in a dismal mood nowadays and it’s not just a side effect the world climate, but just regular life “stuff” that many of us have no control over. I'd say find what inspires u to keep pushing, as i am trying to do to shake it off. And you can listen to this and this for some inspiration.

What's interesting about life is when the world is in a dismal period, that you, your family and friends' problems seem to amplify themselves.

So i have to stay calm with an Aunt just recently having a heart attack and the mother of this girl (in the middle) from one of my first photographs (1999) that i took in Black & white --


-- has been sick for minute and has lost a lot of weight. Her daughter is a smart and sweet 7 years old now and i hope she does not have to lose her mother at such a young age.

The outcome of both is uncertain, but i have to wait and see -- life is never under our control. We have to choose our preferred outlet to deal with it. We just have to make sure it's a postive energy -- whether it is prayer, meditating, or helping someone.