no such thing by john mayer

"Welcome to the real world", she said to me
Condescendingly
"Take a seat, take your life
Plot it out in black and white"
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding up my sleeve

They love to tell you "stay inside the lines"
But something's better On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing
as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls take
the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits, maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can't
Find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies

They love to tell you Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing
aas the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above

I am invincible as long as I'm alive

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing
Aas the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for

A Beautiful World
by Thicke

Many a measles and hand grenades
Do Do Do Do Do Do
Everyone skinny and overweight
Do Do Do Do Do Do Yeah
And I don't know
If livin is the worth the fight
So sometimes I just don't

It's such a beautiful world
Time stands still for each one of us
Ooh maybe I'm no hero
But I can't help myself

I need a reason to smile today
Do Do Do Do Do Do
People are pregnant and underpaid
Do Do Do Do Do Do Yeah
I don't know
If livin is worth the time
So sometimes I just don't

It's such a beautiful world
Just stand still for a minute more
Ooh maybe I'm no hero but
I can't help myself

And baby I don't know
If giving is worth the loss
It's such a beautiful world
Time stands still for each one of us
Ooh maybe I'm no hero
But I can't help myself

All the birds, All the babies
All the tress in the spring
All the joy that it brings
All the top 10 centerfolds
All the joy, All the babies
All the leaves in the spring
All the love that it brings
I can't help myself

So anyway I went to three parties this past weekend, and would like to thank Claudine for her birthday at Sputnik. I felt less out of place than I did at starfoods and the other spot on Thursday.

And I seem to be good at burning bridges -- and I seem to have less and less regrets about doing it.
Cause I can't force things with people I don't mesh with or think its fair to be cool with em when i seem to only have negative feelings towards them.

I'm really quite tactless though in how i do it. LOL. cause i say whatevre comes ot mind and try to clean it up later. but those who really know me know I have a good heart -- I hope

Brown Street in West Philly

i was talking to Fa on AIM last night and for the first time in a long time someone said they appreciated that maintained my weirdness despite other people's not getting me.

and she called me a great thinker. Sean you have a good woman right there.

i can't say being weird has endeared me to everyone. and it's a thorn on my side since grad school when i use to cry when the other kids wouldn't play with me or

i can't wait till i can get paid to wallow in my weirdness like bjork or Michel Gondry, then it will be cool. Go figure you can be weird as long as ur a known artist or prominent person.

and i had my first anxiety attack at the Starfoods party last night. after lingering for 20 minutes inside i felt this urge to run outside as i stared people i knew and didn't know and felt like i would never be the one they would be all enthralled by. my body shook slightly and hugged my coat tightly asa girl i knew kept asking what was wrong with me. But i jetted outside and sat on the sidewalk against a closed up store for a few minutes, trying to understand why it happened.

My Test Web Gallery created with Abode Photoshop CS (8)



Moses getting his first tattoo

Moses: "To promised land of tatoos"

lovely last night or early this morning i decided to venture out to Stone soup's temporary spot ( they lost 13 little devils) and realized how annoyed i was. not sad or upset anymore but more like i got dismissed by two women in two weeks.

and one of them couldn't even come out and say that they weren't interested. The other one i call DM has been the object of my frustration and needless to say we aren't' speaking right now because of the fact that i know and i made her know we can't do the friend thing. it would be unfair to me after us clicking and being intimate -- not physically juts interactions. and her choosing to go back into the past with her ex. i wish she could move on and try to get to know someone new like me. Father of my unborn children my ass.

But I'm at this same point again and i know damn well my friendships and women only work if they were platonic from the start. if not it's threading dangerous. so i don't know if i care to be friends with new person who i haven't actually dated. i just don't think she is open enough for me to feel comfy enough to interact with. and i hate being bombarded with smoking. but it all goes back to her not being able to just say she wasn't interested when i made advances before. were adults just be mature. now she may be out a good friend cause i don't play that.

my ego is very cracked at the moment or is it my confidence? So i don't give a darn about a lot of the new folks that have entered my life. they need to earn my caring, cause sometimes when you care on a basic level they don't appreciate it or realize that they should.

So this morning I decide to tell Moms I got accepted into one of my mfa programs but like clockwork, begins the "finally something" response. And then I felt the need to burst her bubble by saying "it doesn't mean I will have a job cause of it." (Especially for Fiction)

Then a back and forth again about how I haven't been doing anything with my life.
And why I should work for a company so I can marry and support myself. Like my aunt at tiaa Cref which is pushing her out anyway after 30 years.

It ruined my mood and I suspected I would get this reaction instead of congrats cause it was hell getting these applications out in the first time
*sigh*

But I did get to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind by new favorites Michel Gondry. This is his second film but I heard his first wasn't that good. Both were written by the amazing yet sometimes-inaccessible Charlie Kaufman. And I liked this film for the fact that it treated love and relationships realistically and kind of poised the question to me at least -- would I go through getting to know someone even if I knew (for certain) we would fall apart and hate one another some time in the future.

The film was about more than that just so u know. And weirdly enough this is Kaufman?s most accessible film to date.

of all things to lose last night was my mp3cd player which I'm sure felt out my coat pocket at the lounge. and I'm pretty sure someone copped it. I'm not as annoyed of losing it as i am the the ATCQ and Jamiroquai archives i had created. so imagine losing two cds filled with their complete albums and guest spots and remixes. that was a painstaking project to do in the first place. Plus i also had a a newly burned cd of new albums by Air , Sweetback, Micatone, Broken Social Scene, Amel Larrieux, Delyphert (sp),

plus someone stepped all over my earphones breaking the buds.

Like i said before i heart


Goapele - Photo from Okayplayer

Morgan (she shot the photos of me below)-- first pro digital shot by me

Best way to describe my life up till now is to use the metaphor of a new TV show.

it gets rave reviews, the audience is captivated and interested with the first few episodes. But the network isn't satisfied with the ratings and it's not actually promoted it right. So lots of potential viewers are missing out on it.

Then it gets canceled like most good TV shows do nowadays. And the potential for it to get a surprise return to the network like Family Guy is nil.

I have found myself not eating breakfast as of late. And not eating till like 2 in the afternoon. Plus not really in the mood to eat dinner either. Someone said that could be a sign of cancer. Me I think, I'm just dissapointed in my limbo life right now. No word on the graduate schools I applied to, still waiting to start the gig at complex , and just let down in my personal life again.

Now the question is how long am i going to languish in my own doubts and negative expectations. i don't know... i'm just sad...

Blah Blah

Photos by Morgan Kopecky

The week of march 15th i may or may not star a gig at Complex
The managing editor makes me antsy cause i don't know when he will return my phone call
but i got my tax return in hand -- no money owed plus two refunds! nothing major though.



My hair appointment got postponed twice,



i feel so out of the mix folks going to the Prince party last friday and seeing prince last night. Mark, "her", and a few others i know made both treks. but i with no money could not. :( plus know really "asked" me to go.

But yes i have fallen in love. i don't know why my friend was surprised. it's a beautiful thing and i don't need to spend a fortune. and at least least this girl can make me money if i decide to try and get her. Thank goodness i went to Sunday's photo workshop.



but i am still somewhat down in the dumps. i feel like just saying jerky things to my employed friends i speak to. and a big screw u to everyone providing redundant advice and abstract suggestions. i need leads of a more personal kind. u know someone who needs someone-- that sort of variety.



I'D LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS SONG TO UMM TO ANYONE WHO BELIEVES IN "POSSIBILITIES." Even though i get my cynicism get the best of me. but my friend told me yesterday don't give up if u like or want something.

So after a quiet weekend of Watcthing part one of the Stargate Season finale and sittign around the house on Saturday, Sunday was spent at a nice little Digital photo workshop at F.I.T., where i got to test out differnt flash lightign setups with sevral differnt camreas, including a Hasselbald with digi back, courtsey of Calumet.

AND I FELL IN LOVE

but photos are pending

*sigh*

My social life has gained a boost during my unemployment despite having no money. Somehow last night i found myself driving into Brooklyn to drop off a drunken girl who upon entering the borough from the city signaled me to stop the car so she could purge herself. Meanwhile in the back, DJ Jski and the Dominican girl whose name i can never pronounce looked at me with knowing grins.

But earlier that night i ended up at a photographer's (Richard Maitland) opening and found myself almost lost in the Soho crowd once again. There's something about them that intimidates me, making me feel like such an amateur photographer. But somehow, i guess due Richard's friendliness, i asked the photographer to consider having me on to help him for free.

Then i met up with my "friend" and her cousin for a weak Cypress Hill/Dead Prez album release party, where free copies of the new High Times were on hand with Dave Chapelle on the cover. Her cousin had me cracking up and as i left he pulled me to the side to tell me "that he would go back to the jail for his baby cousin." SO er umm... But needless to say, despite our current situation, i enjoyed being around and babbling myself off.

Then it was off to my usual haunt Stone Soup, where a good time was had by all, pole dancing and all. And hence me meeting my future passengers who all live or stay in Brooklyn. And i watched as the drunken girl put more and more liquor into herself. i didn't realize that she had been drinking way before i got there. tsk tsk. Why do people do it to themselves? LOL But i ddi get quite a few chuckles at her expense even while she kept telling me to shut up in the car.

Why when unemployed does my social life get a booster when i have no money?

Last night i found myself four deep driving to Brooklyn to drop off a drunken tall girl i know, who as i got into downtown brooklyn signaled me to stop the car so she could open my door and purge. meanwhile the otehr passengers, Dj Jski and the Domican girl whoese name i still can't pronouce just gave me the silent grins.

But earlier in the night i ended up at photographer's opening and realized how petrified i seem to be of teh soho crowd and networkign with them. i don't know why. But i ended up getting the photographer Richard Maitland to consider having me as free help. Thank goodness he was a kindred soul and very humble Engliish Jamaican man.

Then it was of to some weak Cypress Hill/Dead prez album release party at Mission with my "friend" and her cousin who had my crackign up all night. And who bascially pulled me to teh side as ileft to let me know "he would go back to prison for his cousin." So er umm... Anyway despite my "friend" and I's curent sitaution i really enjoy being around her. FREE issues of HIGH TIMES!!!

Then i headed to my usually haunt 13 Little Devils

"The shining" - Badly Drawn Boy
"Now i've fallen deep
into slow silent sleep
it's killing me
i'm dying
to put a little sunshine in your life"

As i listen to the song mentioned above on my updated Mac OS X Panther system, i kind of feel like that nowadays, of course you could substitute the "your" with "my".

i think i've always want to put sunshine in someone's life, but can't always because i lack sunshine in my life internally sometimes.

But alas i am just tired of dealing with folks who "like me" but are still pining over someone else.
I know many can relate to meeting someone who is interested in you but someone where down the line they drop the ball. i thought as i got closer to 30 i would have to deal with less of this.

Cause as they say the older you get the more mature you get and more sure of what you want. But i already know that's a lie. and i guess this stems to my Jaded 20s rant yesterday. But why do i find myself pining over these people even when i know i am in second place in the "race" for their affection. Cyncism and pessimism have always been my best sheild but i'm tired especailly with those who make teh first move to get to know.

but oh "soul refreshing" (c) Robert Randolph

OH AND KIDDIES NEGATIVE BANK BALANCES ARE NOT COOL.

The Jaded 20s

Check out the latest issue of The Ave on newsstands to read an article i wrote on Haiti


Photo by juxtarose


i think I'm at a point in my life where all the early experiences of the early 20s are taking their toll. There is a thing some of us have dubbed the Quarter life crisis where in your mid-20s you begin to feel confused about life and where you want it to go.

i always thought once i got passed that part it would be a lot easier as the thirty-something crowd claimed. Yet as i pass the halfway mark towards 28 (thanks Lynn :P) i sense a feeling of bitterness and frustration settling in -- much like i have witnessed in my elders.

Therefore i'd like to dub the late 20s the Jaded period, at least for me. Even as i things i want get clearer it just doesn't seem to get any easier.

- women are more upfront but still have unresolved issues to deal with.
- You have experience, credentials, and connects, but don't know how to use them to where u want to be.
- u realize adults are really mindless conformists and being "out the box" is considered taboo.
- u really don't know ish
- ur younger and older cousins irk you with their narrow-minded banter as they enter their early 20s.

But it's like this is the time you decide to take some control and the leave the rest to whomever u look to for guidance and basically say "i give up" or "I'm gonna make it happen."

Cause i know my problems are meager compared to those leaving in war torn and/or AIDS epidemic countries.

Photo by Richard Louissaint

Alas my life is just a pile of ever-changing and revolving door. my grad school applications are all sent out, i've been unemployed for two months with my bills about to be overdue or on their way.

i've realized how much i don't know how to sell myself, cause as Koku says i should have so many gigs with the experience and talent i have. But i don't :(. But i finally got a hold of the Complex editor i interviewed with weeks ago and says he will try me out in the middle of this month.

That's some relief but it's still not set in stone.

And my circle of people to hang with has really changed in quite a short time to more consistent groups for me to actually head out to things with. from Friendster heads, to cousins who i never really hung out with before, to struggling writers who i've come up with, and okayplayers new and old. it feels like such a melting pot and in a good way.

This also means that if i had a social events and invited these people and my parents -- the parents might be floored in a "Umm wow this is a rather interesting group of people and no one Christian among them. my father would be the least surprised, but my mom would be surprised by the amount of women i am cool with. then she would ask so how come one isn't ur girlfriend?" LOL. and if they were really observant would notice the lesbians and such among them. yep that would an interesting point of the event.

And i fear writing about my "dating/love life" since i don't really date and know many read this page. But i do from time to time find myself fond of folks. And i find myself fond and/or folks fond of me. But i can't read women for nothing when it comes to my appeal. So i have almost found it safe to be the platonic friend so as to not play myself, well except for the lady who recently emailed me after meeting me and basically playing the role of the aggressor. This was all appreciated since i hate trying to read signals all the time.

MESSAGE FROM RICH: PLEASE IF U THINK I AM CUTE OR INTERESTING PLEASE LET ME KNOW. ME IS A BAD SIGNAL READER.

and so i find myself with possible options with no intention of being serious with anyone unless it happens naturally. normally at this point this strategy tends to fall apart, but i believe with a smart approach it can work --- and yes honesty.

but i have met some interesting ladies of late each with very dope qualities an some i ma not really sure where they stand right now.

i hope it doesn't end up like that Eric Roberson son, "She Couldn't Hear Me."

Last week i attended my father's Aunt's funeral. She was 97 and had lived a full life to see grand kids and great grand kids. And i realized hat my father's tencaity for keeping close ties to all his relatives has allowed me to grow up with cosuisn who don't know each otehr even thought they are related.

So on top of my 10 or aunts and uncles i have a my father's cousins to count as real family.

And tonite i attended a childhood buddy's father's wake. The best part of the service was the oldest brother's account of "meeting hsi father the first time after he left him in Haiti to stake a place for the family in New york.

He recalled the first time he saw his father after getting of the plane and thinking how tall he was and wondering if he would ever be as tall. And then his first meal in the US being chicken, rice, cooked by his father. And then his father handing him his first can of Pepsi. LOL